So I haven’t watched a movie in a LONG LONG while because I was caught up working on GlamPuss and well, the bf and I were trying to save money. Hence, we bought home movies to watch with the rest of the bf’s family. And so far, we’ve watched/bought:

• The Ocean’s Trilogy (Ocean’s Elven, Twelve and Thirteen)
• The Entire Harry Potter Series
• The Entire Pirates of the Caribbean Series
• How I Met Your Mother (Seasons 1 – 2 (finishing))

As fun as home movies are, I wanted to watch a proper movie! I can’t believe I missed out on watching epic movies such as The Hobbit! But oh well, we can always get the DVD when it’s out. And yes, we do buy them, not illegally download ;p

Anyway, back to the topic! Ah yes, so today morning, I went to have a hair cut and oh gawd my hair is freaking ugly and short right now. And after that, the bf picked me up to head to Marina Square to watch Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters. He chose that out of the rest of the movies because well..he thought I would watch it over everything else that was being shown currently.

So you should somewhat know the story of Hansel & Gretel right?

The one where 2 kids got abandoned by their parents in the forest as they were too poor and then they find pieces of candy which led to this evil old witch’s candy house. She was gonna eat them and tried to fatten them up but somehow or another, I can’t remember how, they managed to escape and they pushed her into the oven and then, lived happily ever after.

But of course, that’s the story of Hansel & Gretel, the original. The movie is kinda..the same but NOT really the same. Why? Moving on is my review/spoiler.

**NOTE: SPOILER ALERT & SOME GRUESOME IMAGES**

I mean first of all, it’s pretttttyyy obvious that these aren’t kids you’re seeing on the movie poster. Uhuh, both are really hot and cute respectively. But that’s all to the movie -.-

Okay, sorry for sidetracking:

So yeah, like the original story, the 2 kids were abandoned by their parents in the forest. Then OH suddenly they walk a few steps and they see this gingerbread /candy house in the forest and they start breaking bits of the house to eat.

Ah yeah, and that’s after they knocked of course. And then the door opens and they are admitted inside. And OH what do they come face to face with?

Yeah, a freaking ugly witch who wants to eat them! Gretel the genius later finds something to unlock the chains and then she and her brother managed to kick this ugly witch into the oven and they burned her to death.

Afterwhich, they became heroes for killing a witch. And many years go by and the bro-sis combo killed a fair number of witches using various methods which are both gory and violent using their weapons – crossbow/guns/bombs (where on earth did they get them from?)

Then, they were hired by this mayor of a small town to track down the disappearance of a large of children in the village and the vicinity. And you’ll be thinking, eh, aren’t they witch hunters not children kidnapper trackers, but let’s ignore that.  Ah and they suspect it was a witch who kidnapped them!

Ah and along the way, Hansel saves this woman, Mina from drowning at the town square as she was accused of being a witch by the town’s Sheriff Berringer. Oh and Mina and Hansel had an attraction for each other, then they did the deed in the waters when he was injured later in the movie. Major hint/spoiler for the guys – you see her butt naked. Literally, butt. Keep a lookout of that scene somewhere in the middle of the movie.

So yeah, before the bro-sis duo could investigate further, it was night and they didn’t want to hunt witches at night because it was dangerous. The sheriff wasn’t happy that the mayor hired them so he hired some underlings to go hunt the witches at night and offered a big fat bounty.

Suffice to say, the head evil witch, Muriel caught them and killed them in a gory and gruesome way. One of the ways if I remember right is something like what Alyssa did to Christabella in Silent Hill.

But she let one go to head back to the village where he exploded literally – flesh and blood everywhere as a warning to the people. Ugh, gross.

After that, Hansel, Gretel and the mayor’s deputy, Jackson managed to capture one of the witches with the most awful hairstyles I’ve ever seen. They then proceeded to interrogate her and managed to get the reason why they have been abducting the children.

Apparently, the witches captured the children to complete the ritual of Blood Moon (every 12 years), which involves sacrificing six boys and six girls which are born on the 12 separate month. Then the bro-sis duo realized that the witches just needed the last girl born in April? So Hansel dashed over to the girl’s house to keep her safe.

But of cos, that was too late as, Muriel, another witch, and a troll, Edward, attacked the town, killed Jackson and took the girl with them. Gretel fought Muriel but was defeated. A fan boy and aspiring witch hunter called Ben rescued her while Hansel grabbed the other witch by her broomstick and got stuck in the tree.

He was later discovered by Mina and then well, as mentioned before. Things got a little heated between them. Remember, this is a NC-16 movie rating (in Singapore).

Meanwhile, Gretel was on the search for Hansel. Then she meets up with the Sheriff and his henchmen where they started beating her up because they accused her of bringing the witches to the town.

It was witnessed by a troll named Edward (a servant of the witches) who killed all of them in a disgusting and gory manner as usual – such as crushing one of the guy’s head using his hands, using a tree trunk to bust one of the head open and yeah, you can see all of them, uncensored.

So yeah, he saved her, got her medicine and water. When Gretel woke up, she asked why he would save her. Then he left saying that he saves all witches. Major spoiler there!

Later on, Hansel and Gretel reunited at their old home where they discovered that there was a witch’s lair beneath the house. There, they also met Muriel again who told them that their mother was actually a great white witch named Adrianne who married a farmer.

Apparently, on the night of the last Blood Moon 12 years ago, the heart of a white witch was needed as the final ingredient to create a potion that makes witches impervious to fire. Adrianna, their mother was the white witch but she was too powerful, so the witches were going to target Gretel instead – who was also a white witch as well.

Due to that, Muriel spread a rumour in the village about Adrianna being a witch and naturally, they believed it and a mob headed towards the home to kill them. Knowing what was to come, the dad left them in the forest to keep them safe and dashed back home. Unfortunately, he was immediately hanged while their mother was burning at the stake.

After that was revealed, they had a huge battle where Hansel was stabbed by her while Gretel was taken as the sacrifice.

Hansel woke up to see Mina who later revealed that she was a white witch too. He reeled in shock but later accepted it. He made her reveal where the evil witches might be gathering and decided to head there. Before that, Mina suddenly says that she found a useful spell book which she used some spell to bless their crazy load of arsenals (guns/bombs/etc) so that the could kill the witches easily.

Then Hansel, Mina and Ben (remember the fan boy/wannabe witch hunter boy?) headed off to disrupt the Blood Moon gathering and save Gretel.

While Mina uses a gatling gun to kill the witches, Hansel fights the rest of the witches and frees the children.

For Gretel, she was trapped, but just as Muriel was going to kill her, Edward the troll went to release Gretel from her chains. In her rage, Muriel threw Edward off the cliff.

After that, Muriel tried to flee on her broomstick but Ben (waiting elsewhere) managed to shoot her down. Gretel before rushing to join her bro in the chase of Muriel, went to find Edward at the bottom of the cliff. There she used her stun gun (what?) and stunned him back into life.

Then all Hansel, Gretel and Mina managed to locate Muriel who hid in the old gingerbread house (from the past). They fought bitterly and Mina was fatally wounded by Muriel and died.

Filled with rage, Hansel and Gretel fought Muriel in the house and after a long and savage fight which the bf described as ‘they have alot of HP’, the bro and sis managed to defeated Muriel and decapitated her with a shovel. You can see it in the movie, plus Hansel was holding up the Muriel’s head.

The movie ends off with them collecting their reward before starting on the next hunt in tow with their new friends, Ben and Edward.

And yeah, this was a hunt in the desert and this part reminded me so much of Tomb Raider. Don’t you think so?

On the whole..both the bf and I didn’t really like the movie too much. The bf said that it was just a mindless movie just to watch. For me, I felt that it was a tad gory (not really a fan), didn’t really make sense and well, I just didn’t like it! Not a movie that I would recommend unfortunately.

You may feel differently about this movie as this is just the bf and my opinion alright?

Till later,
♥ mitsueki